Thursday, December 16, 2010

Oh the rollercoaster

Some days are good some are not. I was having one that was not. I thought it was going to be good. I woke up early, easily. Sat down on the couch starting reading Luke even read more than my 1 chapter a day. Drove my oldest to school got back and boy I felt tired. I was exhausted but the day was just starting. I had two other little guys up and running around. I thought maybe going to the gym would help. I packed everyone up, bundled us up to face the bitterly cold and windy temperatures.

I jumped in the pool, swam around even the cold water did not wake me up but I had a great time. And the afterwords I rewarded myself by a long hot shower. It was so warm I could have fought the cold like that all day. Better I picked up my boys and was ready to continue in the day even face Wal mart.

We made it there made it threw the hassle of the store and hurried back to the car. It was cold, so cold. But it is not the freezing temperatures that got you it was so windy and that cut right threw you. It did not seem to matter what you wore you were going to feel it. My children were even crying shuffling them from the car to Y, store, or home. I quickly but them in the car shut the doors and went to the trunk to put the bags in. I was cold and unhappy and then the wind got a hold of the trunk and blew it down on my head. Och. Just the cherry on top.

Oh well at least I am now on my way home. Then my phone rang. Where was it? I just left the store I really don't want to go back. I tried to find the ringing sound. After a few rings I located it in my jacket pocket and trying to drive and pull it out it slipped out of my hands and fell in to the crack of no return. Between the drivers seat, console, and back seat. Agh! Really why. I was frustrated and unable to get it so I pulled over and retrieved it to find out it was my Dad. Okay what does he want I better call back. So while stopped I made the call he asked where are you? I told him I was on my way home and he quickly hung up saying I don't want you to talk on the phone and drive. He got off the phone so quick I could not even get in I was pulled over. Whatever I will continue home. All of that phone retrieval for him to hang up. Kinda goes with the day.

I get home and eventually call him back to find out he wanted to know my husbands schedule. Why call me? Call Jay. If he had done that maybe it would have prevented this. I asked Jay honey when are you working Dad wants to go to dinner? Jay got up to check and his schedule that he wrote on a tiny register receipt was missing. Oh my gosh this 3 inch register slip, maybe ticker slip was no longer on top of the cluttered microwave. ( I will clean that soon, promise) But wait for whose fault it was MINE! What he completely blamed me for losing it. Oh if he thinks I lost the receipt he was about to see me loose my temper.

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Maybe I did lose it but I wouldn't have been on purpose.

I then would not help him look. I was upset and said I don't care if you find or not I don't care what your schedule is we will go with out you. He snapped back I will just have to drive in to work and get it again. That did not make matters better. No I could have been gracious and not cared a little bit apart right now is probably better, but I thought out loud that is stupid. You are going to drive half an hour each way to find out something you can call for. Gas is over $3 a gallon and a phone call is free. He knew this was upsetting me but he grabbed the cable box from the other room and left. What a waste of money time and gas.

The fact that he had grabbed the cable box was nice. He was going to now drive half an hour in the opposite direction to return a cable box. I looked carefully at my bill the other day it was astronomical! Who pays that much for cable? Upon calling them I found out one of the reasons was I had our high premium package on a tv that we turn on only an hour or so every couple of days. We did not know we had to pay for it on all the tvs and pay monthly rental fees for the equipment. But the day before we had talked about going up together and then finishing up some Christmas shopping. Not letting anything go I called him up and continued on about how much gas he was wasting on his now 2 hour drive.

He hung up on me and did not answer anymore calls. That made it worse but I could not blame him. I would have done the same thing.

I was to tired and busy to deal with our fiasco anymore I had to now go out in the freezing cold yet again to take my son to the bus stop. We bundled up and could have put on 3 more layers and it would not have mattered we still would be standing there shivering waiting on a bus that was running late. Once my sweetie pie was on his way I ran back home and climbed into bed.

I laid there shivering. Just as I warmed up, just as I started to drift off the baby woke up. Oh please Brendan, Mommy needs a nap. I was certain some off this craziness would be better if I wasn't so tired. But that was not in the cards.

Nope we went down stairs got comfy on the couch and watched tv.

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I decided on trying to call Jay again. He answered. He made it a quick call saying he was busy driving. I snapped at him for hanging up the time before and he said he didn't. I don't believe him but I was able to let that go realizing all my screaming does not change anything. He is still going to work not calling and at this point continuing on about it was like beating a dead horse. We hung home civilly.

Not to long after that he called back. Not trying to rub it in just honestly trying to make me happy he told me he got gas where he was for $2.95 a gallon. That even if he had drove around more he made it up by getting gas for .15 cents cheaper. After asking me if there was anything I needed he said he was coming home.

When he got home we were nice. I was tired so still on edge but tolerable. I asked him if he would come with us to the boys Christmas party that night and he said yes. That was enough to make me happy. So in better spirits I went to take a nap.

Second nap second time failed. No nap for me. Smiley was just not having it. He was loud and screaming I could not sleep. I arose in yet another bad mood. I came down stairs to Evan home from school yelling and Smiley screaming happy baby sounds but loud. I turned to Jay snapped and said I let you sleep why won't you do the same for me? His reply I tried you can't keep them quiet if they don't want to be. I knew that but I was tired.

He continued on being so nice to me. I did not deserve it I was not being nice back. No matter what he did I was short and snappy at him. He kept on cheerfully talking to me. I would have gave up and yelled at me a long time ago. But I appreciate that he didn't. I could not figure why I was so mad. I assumed it was because of not respecting my wishes for driving to work. Which I pointed out to him over and over the rest of the afternoon and he let it all pass by.

I went to get my oldest and then to get them ready for the party. I was looking forward to him coming. The party was at church and there are no parking spots close to the building even if there was taking in the three kids, their bags, a diaper bag my purse and my baby has to be carried all bundled up in bulky clothes. It is such a load. I always hate it. This week each of the boys were also bringing bags of groceries. They each had 4 boxes of cereal, 1 box of pasta, 3 cans of food, these bags were large and kind of heavy. I knew I would be carrying them too. I was so glad to have him coming so glad for the help. Then he told me no I am not coming I am going to the get supplies and I will fix the floor for you tomorrow. I was so upset. The reality of having to haul all this was back to a reality. He did not understand. I don't think he ever understands how tough that part is and that I am only adding to it with the new one make me question my judgment. But is is doable if I had help. From him and the older boys but he is setting the example for them not coming not helping.

He easily picked up on that I was angry, probably from me voicing it. I wasn't going to let him not coming stop me and the boys from going I would just deal with it. All of us had been looking forward to this for a while now and we were going to good no matter how hard it was on me or how hard I made it. He helped me load them into the car and I explained again that was not the hard part it is going from the car to the church. Upset I made trip after trip back into the house picking up some item I had to then carry from the car to the church in one trip. He then offered to drive to the church with me to help get them in. I was just not in the mood anymore screamed don't bother and drove off.

I was so stressed out I broke down and started crying. I cried the whole way to church. I was a wreck. I tried to pull it together and stood outside of the car in the below 20 degree snowing windy weather. I thought it would stop the tears or at least make it look like I was just cold not upset as I went in.

I got the boys to help and got in and was greeted by many of my happy faced friends. They were all smiles they were where I wanted to be, happy, in the right spirit in the right mood. In the presences of each of them I was all smiles carrying on like super mom but when they walked away I was back to be so downtrodden. Then I though how fake am I. I am just putting up an act for people. One that I am sure you can see through. If you looked at me when I didn't think you were looking I looked more of what was really going on. I felt even worse and then like a hippocrate at church. I did not want to be in this mood or be this type of person. I walked into the party stood against the wall and started crying again. But this time I wanted to be over it I so very much wantd to enjoy the party the kids and my friends.

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I had a great time once I got over myself and remembered and enjoyed why I was there. The party was fantastic they even had the most delicious birthday cake. Sugar ALWAYS helps.

My dear friend stopped me at the end and asked how was I doing. In good spirits I told her about my day and she laughed! Boy Karen are you all across the board. I was too when I was pregnant. There were some days everything bothered me. It hit me I am pregnant. I am not in control of emotions as I would normally think I am. And if this day is all because I am pregnant then that means tomorrow will be better! Why don't I connect these things till the end of the day? Why did I not just call her earlier?

Still happy I gathered my boys and their belongings and joyfully headed to leave the building. It was going to be better it was going to be okay. We got in the elevator to leave and then...

Smiley pushed the emergency call button.

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3 comments:

Lisa said...

I'm sorry you had such a rough day. I have those kind of days too, and I don't even have pregnancy to blame them on.

Just remember, this too will pass.
Have a great weekend! (HUGS)

Klove said...

uggg...I feel like I have one of those days once a week! It's almost over - the holidays & your pregnancy...then you'll have your beautiful baby that will take up all your attention. XOXO

Mama Keene said...

I know how hard it can be with three little ones, I think all mamas have those days, I know I do and I'm not pregnant. Sometimes knowing we all have those days seems to help me get through them easier. Hope you are feeling much more relaxed!

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